Even believing the woman and diagnosing or labeling the man as "neurodiverse" can be healing. I can use all kinds of self-soothing, EFT, meditation, etc. Lisa Anzuldua is the author of "I Believe You: Thriving Beyond Cassandra Syndrome". The difference between these two conditions is that people with Social Anxiety Disorder lack self-confidence and expect rejection if and when they engage with others. I think that in this situation, his willingness to work on the problem (which he does experience as a problem, here and elsewhere) is just not developed yet. There has to be reduced sharing of interests and a lack of emotional give-and-take. "Mark Hutten's Cassandra Syndrome Recovery Group in September 2021 has been life-changing for me. Even though I'm the one who takes care of our home, work full time (earn twice his income), provide for myself, puts food on the table, he's still critical. I may not just know without you telling me, but I certainly can know if you do. Exploiting vulnerable women in this way is a foul act with potentially dangerous consequences. They dont gain a great deal of happiness from getting close to people. Symptoms of Cassandra Syndrome may include: Craving for carbohydrates and sweet foods Decreased interest in sex and physical contact Desire to oversleep and difficulty staying awake Disturbed sleep and early morning wakening Domestic abuse (emotional and/or physical) Extremes of mood and short periods of hypomania (over activity) Fatigue Cassandra Syndrome - Zen Mind (partner's/ex of a man with ASD/Asperger's) Public Group | Facebook. Complete . Feelings of guilt. I am better now and am addressing all of the comments Ive received. In contrast, there sits the NA husband, calm, rational, often intelligent, and successful in their career. Many of these women have been purported to suffer from "Cassandra Syndrome," a term coined by psychologist Tony Atwood to refer to women who suspect their partners have Asperger's syndrome, but are disbelieved, . I am committed to him, but in order to stay I must find help. It helps when that evidence is available but it is not critical. Here is a description of the psychiatric conditions most frequently associated with Aspergers: People with ADHD typically have difficulty paying attention to whats going on around them, they are easily distracted, they tend to do things without thinking about the results, they are often forgetful, have trouble finishing what they intended to do, are disorganized, jump from one activity to another, are restless and have poor social skills. This group may be helpful for students who are generally high functioning but may want support with imposter syndrome, want to manage stress more effectively, or to connect with other graduate students. The wife is simply not believed. Brain imaging and studies of the brain structure show similarities between the two disorders. Are you looking for a reference guide about Aspergers in adults? Of course women can be autistic. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. Acceptance of the diagnosis can be an important stage in the development of successful adult intimate relationships. He does not have any friends but, you would not think that by looking at his FB page. In Greek mythology, the god Apollo, gave Cassandra the supernatural gift of prophecy as a way of trying to win her affection. Can they have intimate relationships & be successful parents? She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats. In some cases, the NT wife has been emotionally deprived for so long that it's to the point now where there are mental and physical ramifications. The impact on being around one is actually worse. First, I explain that certain characteristics are central to Aspergers syndrome. There are specific interventions that ease the stress and enhance the bond. While this may strike some as similar to Aspergers people with SPD can interact with others normally, if they want to, and can get along with people. Adult Aspergers Syndrome: The Essential Guide. Maybe I'm just tired of hearing about empathy, does he or doesn't he? These behaviors, to repeat the same action over and over, are similar to the repetitive routines associated with Aspergers. In addition, Social Anxiety Disorder may be present in children but more commonly it develops in adolescence and adulthood whereas Aspergers can be traced back to infancy. To reduce the fear of harming oneself or others by, for example, forgetting to lock the door or turn off the gas stove, some people develop checking rituals. Maybe this will suit another ASD spouse, but not me. Cassandra syndrome or Cassandra complex is when a person's warning goes unheeded. Some individuals with neurological problems are in fact (not simply in allegation) at-risk of harming themselves and their children. I will answer the question of how accurate a diagnosis is, the confidence one can have in a diagnosis of Aspergers and I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of having a diagnosis. After promising to be his lover in return, Cassandra later went back on her promise, and the enraged Apollo cast a curse on her that while she could see the future accurately no one would believe her prophecies. We will be meeting on Thursdays at 3 PM Eastern Standard Time. In fact, he was angry most of the time. I'm pretty much just a roommate. I been through it all. Persistent difficulty in communicating with, and relating to, other people. In this way, support is ongoing and spontaneous.Our next group will go from 8/3/23 to 8/24/23. It is heartbreaking, and it does take decades to understand. I finally went and had my tubes tied and this, against my faith and what I believed about male leadership. However, these are two separate issues, and both are true. Claiming that neurodiverse people are as a whole harmful to be in a relationship with is not only untrue, but ableist. Aspergers people do show and feel remorse whereas people with APD do not. It's been hell and your site is a big help, so thankyou. You can read more about Lisa on her bio page. Cassandra & OTRS Support Groups FOR THE NEUROTYPICAL SPOUSE RELATIONSHIP OF CONVENIENCE? Maxine Aston proposed the termAffective Deprivation Disorder (AfDD). Typically, only when their children are diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum do those around her begin to also suspect that her husband may be likewise neuroatypical. Stress, trauma and repressed emotions have made many of these ladies feel as if they are losing . My heart goes out to those who are experiencing the symptoms of Cassandra Syndrome. We are supported by the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Center at Cal State Fullerton, which is involved in research and education related to FM and other chronic pain disorders. . . Thanks for looking into this! Required fields are marked *. The results might suggest that it makes sense to investigate further if enough criteria are present to indicate a diagnosis of Aspergers. An example is previous medical reports documenting signs of early language delays and/or peculiarities, coordination problems, behavioral difficulties or unusual physical problems. Its his default when he feels out of control. Granted, they dont live with him, yet how is it possible that the man she married and lives with appears so completely different from the man other people know? Often this gives others the impression that they lack emotion. Stress, trauma and repressed emotions have made many of these ladies feel as if they are losing their mind and they have definitely lost a part of themselves. Nothing was ever spontaneous. Additionally this caused me to question my sanity. Hey Nora! This is an excellent overview for both the clinical reader and for parents. Presenting these findings is a multi-step process. The first meeting covers general facts about the person, particular those relating to his or her present life. This post will focus on the more user-friendly termCassandra Syndrome. He may be a wealthy and successful husband, calm, rational and articulate. Alexithymia is the inability to recognize or describe one's own emotions. Fortunately, more couples therapists are getting trained in identifying neuro-atypicality and learning how to work effectively with neurodiverse couples. Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome/Cassandra Phenomenon (OTRS/CP) In 1997, FAAAS came up with the term Mirror Syndrome to explain the way NT spouses and NT family members are adversely affected by AS behaviors, especially undiagnosed AS in adults. It has taken me this long to realize my husband is "on the spectrum". To ask a question or schedule an appointment, please call 415-922-1122. -Dr. K, How do I find a therapist that will work through my trauma with me, from this relationship (25 years)? He couldnt, and still cant, see anything from our point of view unless we have specific, hard evidence. A diagnosis is most assured when the signs of Aspergers are present in the person all the time, they have an obvious effect on the persons ability to be successful in life, and dont vary much. All too often, spouses and partners of adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder are met with puzzled looks, bewilderment, or even skepticism when describing their relationships. Diagnoses are most valid and accurate when they are based on multiple sources of information. For people who suspect they have Autism Spectrum Disorder and want a professional evaluation, I provide a comprehensive assessment of these conditions. Others repeat behaviors or say names or phrases over and over hoping to guard against some unknown harm. The Cassandra Phenomenon In the early 2000's, the term Cassandra Phenomenon, sometimes referred to as the Cassandra syndrome, was coined to describe a group of symptoms that often occur in individuals who live with or know adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder. So, I looked nuts to everyone I spoke to. Cassandra was a beautiful woman whose beauty seduced Apollo into granting her the gift of prophecy. Superficial social contact, niceties, passing time with others are of little interest. I'm desperate and can't find a therapist with experience in this situation. Your email address will not be published. Visible Anyone can find this group. People simply dont comprehend the turmoil involved in living with Autism Spectrum Disorder symptoms. Their lives seem directionless and they appear to drift along in life. Financial aid is easily available at the time of registration for support groups with a fee. Hello Dr. K, I think there's a typo in the article that can produce confusion (it did for me at first!). He has never been in trouble with the law, is reliable and honest. Adult Asperger Assessment (AAA) (include link, for each test below), Friendship and Relationship Quotient (FQ), Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale (RAADS), The Reading the Mind in the Eyes Test (RMET). Or they may prefer a certain type of sensation and, a certain type of music, for example, and seek it over and over. And to develop a roadmap for your future. Diagnosing Aspergers is a fairly easy process in principle. It explains my crushing loneliness and pain and his bafflement and frustration. After you register, please email me [mbhutten@gmail.com] so I can send you the Skype link. So no mention then, of similar distress experienced by a neurotypical man married to a neurodiverse woman ? THIS IS HUGE! One wife described her husband as follows: Hes incapable of seeing another persons point of view. They often dont come up while sitting in an office speaking to a professional and because the person is not aware of their presence its unlikely that person would volunteer how hard it is to understand them. As one person stated: There must be something wrong with me to want more and think I could have it. Having said that, there are important differences between the two. I find it difficult to imagine what it would be like to be someone else. Maxine describes her conception of AfDD as follows: It's also something that can change if you can find a good couples therapist who understands and knows how to work with neurodiverse relationships. People with Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD) avoid social relationships and prefer to spend time alone. Are you looking for a reference guide about Autism Spectrum Disorder in adults? Shining a little extra light on the fact that it is always important, with every human being, to consider the whole person in addition to noting strands of commonality. This article speaks to neurotypical women however. After speaking to him last night I started doing some reading about the feelings from my side that have motivated my input to what I now realise has contributed to the downfall of our marriage and found cassandra syndrome. Indications that these characteristics are causing significant problems in relationships, work or other important areas of the persons life. Cassandra Syndrome. Everyone's different." If this need is not being met - and the reason why is not understood - then mental and physical health will be negatively affected. In some cases, the NT wife has been emotionally deprived for so long that its to the point now where there are mental and physical ramifications. Check out AANE.org for more information, and especially their course for couples in Neuro-diverse relationships. Living with a neurodivergent partner without support creates intense internal conflict. They may have preferences for how they handle sensory input like music, touch, sounds, and visual sensations but generally the way they handle these situations is much like other adults. invite you to watch this 1-minute video and sign up for our Cassandra Group coaching intensive. Her husband successfully masks in front of family and friends. They have a very restricted range of emotions, especially when communicating with others and appear to lack a desire for intimacy. Now I have a term to describe my experience. He is on the whole a good Father. He still does. As an adult I suspect this is what my mom has. When everything has been addressed to the extent allowed in this timeframe, the final part of the clinical interview is the presentation of my findings. Following and understanding simple conversation has become almost impossible for him. Often shouting as a reaction to something he didnt understand. Thank you for the request, someone from our team will send you more information via email shortly. But the nice thing about this group is that the ladies can support one another in between our sessions on Skype. I am looking for ways to minimize the impact of being around sudden storms of swearing that I cannot tell are coming (I don't know the "rumble" signs; I will ask him to look out for them and help me understand how they manifest, once he knows). Because my husband is very quiet and appears affable and friendly in public (does not talk for three hours straight on a favorite topic like his father, and this is not an exaggeration), I didn't suspect ASD for a very long time. I'm once again on the hopeless end of the spectrum with my neurodiverse relationshipand this piece offered a sliver of hope to me this morning. Ready for the next step? Gaining new insight from others with similar experiences. Also, most autistic people I know spend every day trying to make sure their actions dont come off as rude or offensive. And again, I wasnt censoring you. This hatred wont evaporate, but it can be answered by factual information that addresses the phenomenon more correctly. Her family members don't understand what she's troubled by. There was no marriage. Up until this point, I didn't even have the vocabulary to describe any of this, and all of that has changed after having read this article. Completing one or more of these questionnaires can identify abilities, inclinations and behavior that could be indicative of Aspergers syndrome. We address the ways in which Lisa helps others heal through her support groups, therapy and coaching. You will be able to bond with the other members and maintain contact over the subsequent months - and even years, if desired. My goal in writing this and related posts is to share with my readers that there is hope. Plan and facilitate client education and support groups. The improvement in their marriages will come only from each person changing. Misappropriating CPTSD (which is the result of prolonged trauma, most frequently during childhood) by claiming that simply dating a neurodiverse person is incredibly demeaning to people who have actually been through traumatic experiences. Just knowing how the person behaves, thinks and feels does not, in and of itself, tell you whether he or she has Aspergers. The core features of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are frequent and persistent thoughts, impulses or images that are experienced as unwelcomed and uninvited. I have been married to a man that has the symptoms of Aspergers for 16 years. Along with these thoughts are repetitive behaviors or mental acts that the person feels driven to perform in order to reduce stress or to prevent something bad from happening. Narrow, repetitive behaviors and interests. Name last changed on February 14, 2022. They often have an inflated and arrogant view of themselves, and are described as excessively opinionated and cocky. A couple of years ago I confided in my sister in law and she suggested my husband might have Asperger because she self diagnosed and feels her dad and older brother also have it. I'm just saying, police your own community. In my clinical experience, these unions face a unique set of issues. Join our newsletter for the latest articles, news, videos & resource updates. Overall, sounds, temperature differences, visual images and tastes more easily overwhelm adults with Aspergers than adults with ADHD. Ambivalence, confusion, and turmoil are common problems for . While it is not legally acceptable to do so, we know that silent discrimination happens, hiring decisions are not always made public and competition can leave someone with a different profile out of the picture. Our group process aims to take you from feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, alone, confused, hurt, and afraid to having confidence in yourself again and peace in your heart. Difficulty interpreting non-verbal communication and subtle aspects of how people relate to each other is characteristic of adults with Aspergers. I cried a lot in private. If he feels it is wrong, then it is wrong. I had crippling arthritis and all sorts of health challenges during this time. And help you resolve resentments and regrets - to release personal suffering. Cassandra SyndromeNew Hope for Neurotypical Partner, Neurodivergents and Love: Five Good Reasons to Embrace Neurodiversity. -Dr. K, Neurotypical (NT) have tossed out the damaging accusations that neuro-atypicals (NA) have no empathy.. Are there disadvantages to a diagnosis of Aspergers? Those signs and symptoms are often subtle and it takes someone with considerable experience to tell whether they are present and, if so, whether there is enough of a case to say confidently that the person has Aspergers. The answer lies in how much these characteristics affect the persons social, occupational or other important areas of functioning. Maxine Ashton describes the symptons as: Low self esteem. They may rely on their partner to articulate this experience, but this is quite different than saying they don't have this fundemental human trait. I had no energy. Both believe that. Support for their point of view is also difficult to come by but Cassandra Syndrome Counseling helps the client and family. No longer will they be able to hope to have a satisfying, intimate relationship. Return to a strong sense of selfand self-esteem. Relying on a spouses or friends report about how someone recognizes emotions is not always advisable since those reports are filtered through the spouse or friends own biases and their own ways of understanding emotions. He refuses to consider that he might need an evaluation. They do not tend to have specific weaknesses in their understanding and use of language. And clearly there is not a person at fault here, only unintended consequences and lack of understanding. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats. Brain scans, blood tests, X-rays and other physical examinations cannot tell whether anyone has Aspergers. A simple feeling or intuition isnt enough and is not understood as being valid;. I hope this date/time works for you! My work is not related to the psychological field however since my task is more to this expertise I'm beginning to understand more about mental state. It explains why ordinary couples therapy has been disastrous. They may be overly sensitive to one kind of sensation and avoid that persistently. Cassandra Syndrome describes a woman who tries to tell others about her life with an autistic partner and is not believed.

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